Confessions of a Co-Wife "Do the wives sleep together"

The response to my first "Confessions of a co-wife" blog was overwhelmingly positive. Women from all walks of life reached out with love, support, and lots of interesting questions.  It is truly a blessing to receive such loving and compassionate feedback, even from people who do not share my beliefs or views.  

One of the questions that seemed to be on many women's mind was do me and my co-wife live and/or sleep together.  Let me start by saying that there is no one way to practice Polygamy and Polygyny and the way that my family practices Polygyny may not be the same as how another family will practice Polygyny.  My family is Muslim, and in our faith it is not permissible for the wives to have a physical or romantic relationship.  I thank Allah every day that my co-wife and I have an amazing relationship, but our relationship is a friendship and a sisterhood.  We share a husband, but we are not each others wives.  

Let me be clear, I can only speak for my situation.   I am sure that no two families practice Polygyny in the same way, different people have different beliefs,  preferences,  and boundaries that dictate how they choose to live and love.  I am not a person who spends my time trying to control or judge the way that other people live, I have too much to work on in my own life for that.  What I hope to do is offer insight and perspective about Polygyny based on my personal experience. 

I appreciate the fact that women have been open and comfortable enough with me to discuss their candid views about Polygyny. Surprisingly many women expressed interest in possibly practicing Polygyny and Polygamy and wanted a greater understanding about it from an insider's vantage point.  

Another question that has been asked frequently is "How did you do it?".  Literally women want to know, "how do you share your husband?".  I can't speak for every woman, I can only try to explain how Polygyny works for me.  The first emotional step that I had to take in order for me to be successful in sharing my husband was to realize that he is not MY husband, he is OUR husband, and I have to firmly understand and respect that fact.  I truly believe that the creator has been preparing me to be a co-wife for a few years.  After my first marriage ended my ex-husband and I had to find a way to co-parent our children whom we had raised together for 9 years.  So when my ex-husband remarried not only did I have to co-parent with him, but I also had to accept that I would now be sharing my children with another woman who would also be fulfilling the role of mother in my children's lives.  To be honest I was not ready for it.  Allowing my children to be mothered by another woman was one of the most difficult tasks that I have had to undertake in my life!  I had to work on my ego, jealousy, and insecurities so that my children would be comfortable loving and receiving love from their other mom.  It took prayer, practice, trust, and accountability in order for me to get a level of understanding where I could be secure enough to know that the love my children have for their other mother in no way diminishes the love that they have for me.  Nothing will change our bond or the fact that I'm their mother.  Love is limitless and there is an endless supply so we always have the ability to generate more.

Looking at my situation logically as well as emotionally, I figure that if I am able to embrace my children (creatures who once lived in my body) loving another woman in the same type of way that they love me then why on earth would it be hard for me to embrace my husband having another wife?  My husband's love for his other wife doesn't change or downplay the love that he has for me, to me it is not a competition, love is love.

The experience of being a co-parent and co-wife has opened my heart in ways I could have never imagined.  It has shown me the true meaning of sisterhood and given me a greater insight into sharing and humility.  My children's other mother and my co-wife sacrifice for me on a daily even when they aren't conscious of it. I love and respect them both for opening their hearts to joining me on these journeys that will hopefully last for a lifetime and I am grateful for their presence in my life.

All healthy relationships take self-evaluation, constructive communication, compassion, patience, and consistency among so many other elements.  No matter if your relationship is polygynous or monogynous it will take work, every single day.  The reality is that the energy that you put into your relationship will be the energy that you get out of your relationship...so my sincere advice for those considering Polygamy is to work on yourself and invest your energy wisely!

If you like my blogspot, I'm sure you'll love my vodcast. Check out the first Loud Mouth Ghetto Girl video podcast here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fnRMOVbdjI

Copyright Amber Hasan 2018

Edited by Cheryl Williams

CONFESSIONS OF A CO-WIFE

Today I got a phone call from a close friend.  When I answered she said "we have a lot to talk about" I laughed, because I knew where this conversation was headed, I was at work busy with customers so "the conversation" would have to wait.  When I hung up I started to think of how many people who I've been distant with over the past month and a half.  My distance wasn't planned.  Allah knew that I needed this time and space to become comfortable and confident enough to deal with the questions and possible negative energy that would be sent my way by people who genuinely love and care about me.  Allah knew that even though I thought I was ready for this, I was walking into uncharted territory and I needed solitude and quiet to prepare myself for this new journey.  Allah knew that the choice I was making may even cause me to lose the support of my family and friends, Allah knew that I needed time to adjust, Allah is the best of planners, I am truly a witness to that.

My first wedding was super traditional. The church, white dress, flowers, photos, tons of people, reception afterwards, the whole nine! Everyone was so happy for me and I couldn't wait to tell people that I was married.  I wore my ring like a crown.  I was a wife and I was content in that role. I saw it as a blessing from the almighty and was so pleased whenever my husband introduced me as his wife.  I was married to my first husband for 9 years.  I learned a lot about love, pain, accountability, growth, and forgiveness during those 9 years.  When I got divorced I was broken.  I had lost my best friend and the only thing I knew to do was to turn to the Creator for guidance. 

I was grieving for something that wasn't destined to last forever.  I made D'ua everyday for Allah to make me the best Muslim, mother, and Wife that I could be.  I prayed for sustenance, I prayed for forgiveness, and I prayed for a believing husband strong, wise, and compassionate enough to lead me.  I was doing a lot of praying, but I wasn't being patient.  I was asking Allah to handle my situations but wasn't waiting on Allah to handle them.  So I rushed into relationships with two individuals who were not capable of being my husband.  They were place holders; in retrospect I just wanted someone, I was use to being married so not being in a relationship felt awkward. I felt like I had failed at my first marriage and I wanted to redeem myself. Me and those men weren't compatible and I wasn't happy. To top it all off I was diagnosed with Lupus and Cancer during this period, so I was just glad to have someone around to help take care of me and my kids when I was too sick to take care of us.  Being ill was a blessing though.  At times my illnesses made me helpless, which showed me the power of faith and prayer.  My illnesses made me eat better and take better care of myself.  In essence being sick brought me back to life and taught me how to truly love myself and be content.  The closer I felt to death the more excited I became about living.  Then it was like the more content I became the more blessings began to flow.  Allah removed the negative forces from my life in ways I couldn't even fathom, and I learned to love me with all of my imperfections.  I still prayed my same prayers, but with a content heart; understanding that I couldn't put Allah on a schedule. I knew that when I was ready Allah would take care of me in the best of ways, as always. 

I've never been against polygyny, I just felt it wasn't "for me".  I would say that I could be in a plural marriage if it was about comfort or to keep from fornicating, but not if I was really in love.  There was no way that I could knowingly share the man I'm in love with, or at least that's what I thought, Allah had other plans.

When I married for the second time.  There was nothing traditional about this wedding.  I can count on one hand how many people I told beforehand , I wasn't even sure it was going to happen.  I kept thinking that he would call me on my way to the Masjid and apologetically tell me that he couldn't do it.  I had prepared myself mentally for a let down, because the whole thing seemed surreal.  Besides myself and my husband there were 7 people in attendance at our wedding.  My 17 year old son was my Wali, and although my 15 year old daughter may not understand the beauty or purpose of Polygyny she was right by my side supporting me the whole time.  I couldn't stop smiling.  Everything felt like a dream that day, and then the next day it was back to reality.

I'm proud to be married, and I love my husband tremendously, but I wasn't all "scream it from the roof tops" this time after the wedding.  I am my husband's second wife and I wasn't necessarily ready to talk about that while still in my newlywed after glow.  I knew that my friends and family may not understand.  I also knew that it was a huge adjustment for my co-wife and didn't want her to have to deal with the questions and fake concern from messy folk.  It was difficult holding all of that joy inside, I began to feel like it would be less stressful to just keep my marriage a secret.  When I did tell the family and friends that I trusted their first question was "isn't he already married"?  True to character I shot back with a witty or sarcastic response and acted as if it was nothing.  When in reality the dry and rehearsed "if you like it then I love it" comments that were given to me by loved ones made me cringe with insecurities.  All I could hear in those statements was "this will never work" and "can't you find your own husband".  I began to feel like a charity case, like I was valued less because I share my husband willingly .  I was on an emotional rollercoaster, my normal go with the flow aloofness was no where to be found.  I was lonely because I didn't want to burden my husband or co-wife with all of my crap, I knew that they were dealing with this monumental life change as well.  But I couldn't hide that I was uneasy and didn't know quite how to navigate this uncharted terrain, it was taking everything that I had to function with any sense of normalcy.  Days ran together, and if not for the beautiful relationship that i have with my co-wife I don't know if I could have made it through the first few weeks.  She was who I confided in and vented to, she understood my emotions and fears better than anyone else.  We allowed each other the space to be open and honest without judgement.  Surprisingly my relationship with my co-wife has taught me about true sisterhood, unconditional love, and loving for the pleasure and sake of Allah.  

When my work day slowed down I called my friend back.  Of course we had "the conversation" and of course she asked the typical questions, I answered them honestly and without any baggage attached, she doesn't understand but she also didn't judge or make light of my marriage like other people who act as if it isn't a real marriage.  I still have some growing to do.  I'm not all the way there, but I'm getting more comfortable with being open about my polygynous marriage.  I don't feel any shame, even though I stall sometimes before saying "my husband" or "my co-wife" to someone who doesn't know the situation.  But I see this as a test as well.  I can't participate in and agree with polygyny while hiding being in a polygynous relationship.  I have to trust Allah more than I care about the opinions or feelings of Allah's creations.  Today was the first time that I've been honest with myself about these feelings.  My friend calling turned on a light showing me the things that I had been hiding in my shadows.  I'm thankful to Allah for always finding beautiful ways to show me how I need to work on myself.  

Copyright 2018 Amber Hasan

Edited by Cheryl Williams (my co-wife)