Confessions of a Co-Wife "Do the wives sleep together"

The response to my first "Confessions of a co-wife" blog was overwhelmingly positive. Women from all walks of life reached out with love, support, and lots of interesting questions.  It is truly a blessing to receive such loving and compassionate feedback, even from people who do not share my beliefs or views.  

One of the questions that seemed to be on many women's mind was do me and my co-wife live and/or sleep together.  Let me start by saying that there is no one way to practice Polygamy and Polygyny and the way that my family practices Polygyny may not be the same as how another family will practice Polygyny.  My family is Muslim, and in our faith it is not permissible for the wives to have a physical or romantic relationship.  I thank Allah every day that my co-wife and I have an amazing relationship, but our relationship is a friendship and a sisterhood.  We share a husband, but we are not each others wives.  

Let me be clear, I can only speak for my situation.   I am sure that no two families practice Polygyny in the same way, different people have different beliefs,  preferences,  and boundaries that dictate how they choose to live and love.  I am not a person who spends my time trying to control or judge the way that other people live, I have too much to work on in my own life for that.  What I hope to do is offer insight and perspective about Polygyny based on my personal experience. 

I appreciate the fact that women have been open and comfortable enough with me to discuss their candid views about Polygyny. Surprisingly many women expressed interest in possibly practicing Polygyny and Polygamy and wanted a greater understanding about it from an insider's vantage point.  

Another question that has been asked frequently is "How did you do it?".  Literally women want to know, "how do you share your husband?".  I can't speak for every woman, I can only try to explain how Polygyny works for me.  The first emotional step that I had to take in order for me to be successful in sharing my husband was to realize that he is not MY husband, he is OUR husband, and I have to firmly understand and respect that fact.  I truly believe that the creator has been preparing me to be a co-wife for a few years.  After my first marriage ended my ex-husband and I had to find a way to co-parent our children whom we had raised together for 9 years.  So when my ex-husband remarried not only did I have to co-parent with him, but I also had to accept that I would now be sharing my children with another woman who would also be fulfilling the role of mother in my children's lives.  To be honest I was not ready for it.  Allowing my children to be mothered by another woman was one of the most difficult tasks that I have had to undertake in my life!  I had to work on my ego, jealousy, and insecurities so that my children would be comfortable loving and receiving love from their other mom.  It took prayer, practice, trust, and accountability in order for me to get a level of understanding where I could be secure enough to know that the love my children have for their other mother in no way diminishes the love that they have for me.  Nothing will change our bond or the fact that I'm their mother.  Love is limitless and there is an endless supply so we always have the ability to generate more.

Looking at my situation logically as well as emotionally, I figure that if I am able to embrace my children (creatures who once lived in my body) loving another woman in the same type of way that they love me then why on earth would it be hard for me to embrace my husband having another wife?  My husband's love for his other wife doesn't change or downplay the love that he has for me, to me it is not a competition, love is love.

The experience of being a co-parent and co-wife has opened my heart in ways I could have never imagined.  It has shown me the true meaning of sisterhood and given me a greater insight into sharing and humility.  My children's other mother and my co-wife sacrifice for me on a daily even when they aren't conscious of it. I love and respect them both for opening their hearts to joining me on these journeys that will hopefully last for a lifetime and I am grateful for their presence in my life.

All healthy relationships take self-evaluation, constructive communication, compassion, patience, and consistency among so many other elements.  No matter if your relationship is polygynous or monogynous it will take work, every single day.  The reality is that the energy that you put into your relationship will be the energy that you get out of your relationship...so my sincere advice for those considering Polygamy is to work on yourself and invest your energy wisely!

If you like my blogspot, I'm sure you'll love my vodcast. Check out the first Loud Mouth Ghetto Girl video podcast here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fnRMOVbdjI

Copyright Amber Hasan 2018

Edited by Cheryl Williams

CONFESSIONS OF A CO-WIFE

Today I got a phone call from a close friend.  When I answered she said "we have a lot to talk about" I laughed, because I knew where this conversation was headed, I was at work busy with customers so "the conversation" would have to wait.  When I hung up I started to think of how many people who I've been distant with over the past month and a half.  My distance wasn't planned.  Allah knew that I needed this time and space to become comfortable and confident enough to deal with the questions and possible negative energy that would be sent my way by people who genuinely love and care about me.  Allah knew that even though I thought I was ready for this, I was walking into uncharted territory and I needed solitude and quiet to prepare myself for this new journey.  Allah knew that the choice I was making may even cause me to lose the support of my family and friends, Allah knew that I needed time to adjust, Allah is the best of planners, I am truly a witness to that.

My first wedding was super traditional. The church, white dress, flowers, photos, tons of people, reception afterwards, the whole nine! Everyone was so happy for me and I couldn't wait to tell people that I was married.  I wore my ring like a crown.  I was a wife and I was content in that role. I saw it as a blessing from the almighty and was so pleased whenever my husband introduced me as his wife.  I was married to my first husband for 9 years.  I learned a lot about love, pain, accountability, growth, and forgiveness during those 9 years.  When I got divorced I was broken.  I had lost my best friend and the only thing I knew to do was to turn to the Creator for guidance. 

I was grieving for something that wasn't destined to last forever.  I made D'ua everyday for Allah to make me the best Muslim, mother, and Wife that I could be.  I prayed for sustenance, I prayed for forgiveness, and I prayed for a believing husband strong, wise, and compassionate enough to lead me.  I was doing a lot of praying, but I wasn't being patient.  I was asking Allah to handle my situations but wasn't waiting on Allah to handle them.  So I rushed into relationships with two individuals who were not capable of being my husband.  They were place holders; in retrospect I just wanted someone, I was use to being married so not being in a relationship felt awkward. I felt like I had failed at my first marriage and I wanted to redeem myself. Me and those men weren't compatible and I wasn't happy. To top it all off I was diagnosed with Lupus and Cancer during this period, so I was just glad to have someone around to help take care of me and my kids when I was too sick to take care of us.  Being ill was a blessing though.  At times my illnesses made me helpless, which showed me the power of faith and prayer.  My illnesses made me eat better and take better care of myself.  In essence being sick brought me back to life and taught me how to truly love myself and be content.  The closer I felt to death the more excited I became about living.  Then it was like the more content I became the more blessings began to flow.  Allah removed the negative forces from my life in ways I couldn't even fathom, and I learned to love me with all of my imperfections.  I still prayed my same prayers, but with a content heart; understanding that I couldn't put Allah on a schedule. I knew that when I was ready Allah would take care of me in the best of ways, as always. 

I've never been against polygyny, I just felt it wasn't "for me".  I would say that I could be in a plural marriage if it was about comfort or to keep from fornicating, but not if I was really in love.  There was no way that I could knowingly share the man I'm in love with, or at least that's what I thought, Allah had other plans.

When I married for the second time.  There was nothing traditional about this wedding.  I can count on one hand how many people I told beforehand , I wasn't even sure it was going to happen.  I kept thinking that he would call me on my way to the Masjid and apologetically tell me that he couldn't do it.  I had prepared myself mentally for a let down, because the whole thing seemed surreal.  Besides myself and my husband there were 7 people in attendance at our wedding.  My 17 year old son was my Wali, and although my 15 year old daughter may not understand the beauty or purpose of Polygyny she was right by my side supporting me the whole time.  I couldn't stop smiling.  Everything felt like a dream that day, and then the next day it was back to reality.

I'm proud to be married, and I love my husband tremendously, but I wasn't all "scream it from the roof tops" this time after the wedding.  I am my husband's second wife and I wasn't necessarily ready to talk about that while still in my newlywed after glow.  I knew that my friends and family may not understand.  I also knew that it was a huge adjustment for my co-wife and didn't want her to have to deal with the questions and fake concern from messy folk.  It was difficult holding all of that joy inside, I began to feel like it would be less stressful to just keep my marriage a secret.  When I did tell the family and friends that I trusted their first question was "isn't he already married"?  True to character I shot back with a witty or sarcastic response and acted as if it was nothing.  When in reality the dry and rehearsed "if you like it then I love it" comments that were given to me by loved ones made me cringe with insecurities.  All I could hear in those statements was "this will never work" and "can't you find your own husband".  I began to feel like a charity case, like I was valued less because I share my husband willingly .  I was on an emotional rollercoaster, my normal go with the flow aloofness was no where to be found.  I was lonely because I didn't want to burden my husband or co-wife with all of my crap, I knew that they were dealing with this monumental life change as well.  But I couldn't hide that I was uneasy and didn't know quite how to navigate this uncharted terrain, it was taking everything that I had to function with any sense of normalcy.  Days ran together, and if not for the beautiful relationship that i have with my co-wife I don't know if I could have made it through the first few weeks.  She was who I confided in and vented to, she understood my emotions and fears better than anyone else.  We allowed each other the space to be open and honest without judgement.  Surprisingly my relationship with my co-wife has taught me about true sisterhood, unconditional love, and loving for the pleasure and sake of Allah.  

When my work day slowed down I called my friend back.  Of course we had "the conversation" and of course she asked the typical questions, I answered them honestly and without any baggage attached, she doesn't understand but she also didn't judge or make light of my marriage like other people who act as if it isn't a real marriage.  I still have some growing to do.  I'm not all the way there, but I'm getting more comfortable with being open about my polygynous marriage.  I don't feel any shame, even though I stall sometimes before saying "my husband" or "my co-wife" to someone who doesn't know the situation.  But I see this as a test as well.  I can't participate in and agree with polygyny while hiding being in a polygynous relationship.  I have to trust Allah more than I care about the opinions or feelings of Allah's creations.  Today was the first time that I've been honest with myself about these feelings.  My friend calling turned on a light showing me the things that I had been hiding in my shadows.  I'm thankful to Allah for always finding beautiful ways to show me how I need to work on myself.  

Copyright 2018 Amber Hasan

Edited by Cheryl Williams (my co-wife)

Easy, Basic, All Natural, Home made Laundry detergent for sensitive skin!

Lupus is rough on my skin.

I get rashes and bruises, have prickly sensations, and sometimes my skin just outright aches.  When I talked to my doctors they prescribed prednisone, which is a steroid, so I passed on that and started looking for natural ways to treat and manage my skin issues.  

In my opinion any natural treatments should start with preventative efforts such as identifying and eliminating triggers.  So I began paying closer attention to the things I ate, drank, wore, or touched the days that I had skin problems.  One big thing that I noticed was that things scented with perfumes bother me.  I don't bathe in any scented products but my laundry detergent was scented and used chemical that I wasn't comfortable using for me or my family.  

After my super scientific research experiment to find out what my triggers were I was able to identify some of my triggers.  My biggest triggers seem to be dairy and perfumes/chemicals.  The part that sucks about knowing better is that then you have to do better. So now I either have to buy natural detergent (which can be expensive as hell, people will tax you for good, natural products) or I have to make my own detergent (which means that after working, running my business, homeschooling and transporting kids, cooking, and what ever else I have to do I am also expected to make laundry detergent, NOOOOOOOOOOO!).  But my cheapness always outweighs my exhaustion, and to my surprise making your own laundry detergent is extremely easy and easy on the pocketbook as well!

Amber's All Natural Laundry Detergent

1. 1 cup Borax (I found some at Walmart)

2. 1 cup Washing Soda (I found some at Family dollar but it is very easy to make your own if you have baking soda)

3. 1/4-1/2 Bar soap (Ivory works just fine, I use Dr. Bronner's Lavender Castile Soap)

Shave your bar soap (I use a cheese grater)and measure out 1/4-1/2 cup, add 1 cup of borax (stir) and then add 1 cup of washing soda (stir mixing well).  

*Store in an air tight, food grade container.  I keep mine in large mason jars.  Use 2-3 tablespoons per load.

$$$ I spent roughly 13 dollars on products which will last me at least 3-4 months.

All Ingredients can be purchased at:

https://goto.target.com/PYeOX

30 Day raw detox: Day 21...never trust a fart...

This is a moment of complete transperancy...today I pooped my pants!

Yesterday afternoon my body began purging toxins to the tenth power. I felt horrible but I knew it was necessary so I didn't trip, I let my body do what it needed to do and I got some much needed rest.  The sulfur burps an loose stool gave me the heads up that my body is healing itself and getting rid of the cap is just a part of the process so I was mentally prepared to let it flow, literally.  I threw up a few times last night and woke up this morning feeling brand new, but of course that was the overlay for the underplay.  My body was really setting me up for an adult failure of epic proportions.  My sister and I had gone to the grocery store to grab items for dinner, when we got to the car I couldn't wait to down my vitamin packed fruit juice that I had just purchased.  I drank a bit of juice and felt gassy, so I kinda lifted up in the seat to pass gas, at that moment tragedy struck!  I felt like a human soft serve machine!  I was tickled,  devastated, and disgusted at the same time.  Luckily I was wearing a maxi pad, so it didn't seep threw my clothes  (it mad clean up a hell of a lot easier too).  I rode home semi-seated on a plastic bag gagging (although my poop smells a lot like salad lately) and cracking up with my sister!

The two lessons that I learned today are that when detoxing NEVER TRUST A FART!  Your body is doing some serious dirty work and you never know when it will decide to "clean you out".  The second lesson is that SHIT HAPPENS, in a literal and figurative sense.  Allow it to happen, learn your body, accept your healing, and don't take yourself to serious.  

I am sharing this because someone may be embarrassed and think it is just them going through these changes and I want to let them know that they are not alone.  Healing isn't always pretty and fun, it is a struggle,  just keep the faith in your bodies ability to heal and don't give up when it gets hard. 

In the words of my pops "tough times don't last, but tough people do".

Amber Hasan's: "Loud Mouth Ghetto Girl One Woman Show" July 15th Footage

Footage from the July #Loudmouthghettogirl #onewomanshow

30 Day Detox: Day 15 the good, the bad, and the ugly

In 2012 I was diagnosed with Lupus.  Being diagnosed was a relief honestly.  The weight loss, the rashes, the anxiety, the headaches, the seizures, the joint pain, the mouth ulcers, and fatigue all made sense.  I wasn't being lazy or going crazy, I was dealing with a disease that is hard to diagnose and even most doctors don't fully understand it.  Of course I was given a slew of medication with names that I didn't even try to pronounce.  Although I may not have been able to pronounce the names I am far from stupid, so I turned to my trusty homie Google and searched every single one...and not one of them sounded any better than the effects of Lupus.  With possible side effects ranging from tingling extremities all the way to liver damage and suicidal thoughts if I stopped taking the medication suddenly.

I was quick to make the decision NOT to use any of that garbage, until I had a Lupus flare and realized that I had no idea how to manage this shit!  I was out of my league and spent three years just being sick, I would research holistic treatment methods but honestly I really didn't trust them.  My 30+ years of being treated in a pharmaceutical only health care system had me scared to even try any of the holistic methods that I had been feverishly researching.  So here I am with this well of knowledge that I was doing nothing with.  Then one day in the fall of 2015 I just woke up and decided that it was time to make a change.

I intentionally started very gradually.  I knew that this change would effect my entire family and I didn't want it to be drastic.  My first change was to cut out red meat.  I remember how proud I was of myself for making a commitment to begin healing my body through lifestyle changes.  The process was going well, I was taking it slow but in January of 2016 I got very sick all of a sudden.  I was running out of both ends (TMI, I know), it was nothing but green mucous, and it had the worst smell that I have ever had come out of little old me.  I was miserable and even sharted on myself in my sleep.  It was 2 days of hell, and at that moment I decided to cut all meat from my diet.  It wasn't a difficult transition and I quickly noticed a boost in my energy.  I thought I had made it. I was feeling better, I was exercising, and my pain was decreasing so I just knew everything was all to the good now, but that's not how my life is set up.  So in the Spring of 2016 I was diagnosed with Cancer (in a very intimate location) and it was depressing and frustrating.  I had plans and those plans did not include trying to fight cancer with my raggedy assed immune system!!!  I was angry as hell and planned on having like a week long pity party, which ended up not being much of a pity party because my 6 kids are always all up in my space so I didn't really have the luxury of locking myself in my room with Netflix, chocolate, and tears.  My pity party was low budget and consisted of little debbie cakes and one 30 break down in the shower.  I looked in to all of the available treatments that my doctor suggested and decided early on that I wouldn't be doing any of them.  No shade to anyone who does though, we all walk different paths.

I eventually decided to do an all holistic treatment plan that consists of a detox, a mostly alkaline vegan diet, and a high dose IV vitamin C treatment, along with herbal supplements.  I am currently half way through my detox and I have had so many questions about it so I will share what I have learned during the past 15 days.

Amber's 30 Day Detox

Only raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, and mushrooms

At least one clove of garlic daily

No salt, No sugar, No caffeine

Immune Booster Tea (3x daily)

Herbal Teas (drink as much as possible honey or agave are ok)

Smoothies and 100% Juices (2-3 times daily)

Chaga Tea 2X daily

Vegan Multi Vitamin

Vitamin C

Natural deodorant and toothpaste

64 oz. water (preferably alkaline)

Daily Meditation

At least 30 min of Yoga or run 1 mile daily

Massage (as often as possible)

The first thing that I learned about this detox is that Yes, it is as challenging as it sounds.  I didn't realize I was addicted to sugar until I tried this detox a few months back and had sugar withdrawal like I was coming down off of heroin!  I had insomnia, cold sweats, a fever, diarrhea, vomiting, and irritability.  I couldn't believe it!  That detox lasted only 5 days but it caused me to start limiting my sugar intake and cutting high fructose corn syrup from my diet all together.  I have cravings and i've had insomnia a few nights but nothing that I can't manage.  This detox is tough mentally but I have more energy than I have had in years.  I have learned so much about myself and my body during these first 15 days but 4 things stick out the most:

1.  Commit

Set a start date and tell others about your plans to start a detox program.  It is easier to back out of things when no one else knows, but if you have your mom and best friend texting to find out when your detox starts you are more likely to stay committed.

2.  Gather Support

Tell people what you are doing and why.  After announcing that I was doing a detox my fiance' decided to join me for the whole thing, I was shocked and so happy that I didn't have to go through the month alone, now I had a battle buddy!  I have also had a few friends join me as well, some of them for the whole 30 days and others just for a day or so.  I have received encouraging calls, texts, emails and DM messages, all of the support helps me to stay motivated and focused on my purpose and goal.  I have had people donate alkaline water, fruits and veggies, herbs, and vitamins to help me supplement the costs.  I have cried just about everyday due to random words or acts of kindness in support of my detox.

3.  Be prepared

Totally random, but when ever I hear "be prepared" i always hear it in a Scar from The Lion King  voice.  Any way preparation is the key to being consistent with this detox.  Make sure you have enough food to last you for the day.  Stock up on olive oil and apple cider vinegar for salad dressing, find raw vegan recipes so that you won't get bored with your meals, make a list of stores that carry the things you can eat, create a budget and a schedule and if possible pick the brain of someone who has done a detox so that you can get some tips that will help you to be successful.

4. Be aware

Once you start the detox pay attention to your body and the changes that are going on inside you.  You may notice withdrawal symptoms from salt, sugar, and caffeine.  You may notice changes in your mood, bowels, body odor, and energy levels.  These are all normal and are manifestations of the toxins leaving your body.  For instance I was musty as hell for the first 6 days of the detox but now i'm good.  I also have lots of natural energy that I didn't have before the detox began.  You can keep a daily detox journal in order to track these changes, if you experience anything that you are unsure about contact your doctor or a holistic medical professional, the detox process is uncomfortable at times but always listen to your body.

My detox journey is only at the halfway point.  Some days I want the whole process to just hurry up and be over, but I try to remind myself that healing is a process that should not be rushed.  We live in a society full of quick fixes and instant gratification, so through this detox process I am also teaching myself to slow down, be patient, and enjoy the journey.

Just a few of my meals/snacks

Loud Mouth Ghetto Girl: The one woman show

Footage from the debut of Loud Mouth Ghetto Girl: The one woman show

The next show will be

July 15, 2016
Greater Flint Arts Council
816 S. Saginaw St.
Flint, Mi.

Tickets $10 in advance, $15 at the door

call 810-458-3844 for more information